Tuesday, May 20, 2014

What Was One Is Now Two

Dear Sophia,

As I type, your little sister is perched in my lap. Just a minute ago, she was holding onto my index fingers and essentially supporting herself. She was born two months ago, on March 7th, and I couldn't be more in love. My pregnancy with her was a lot harder, physically, than mine was with you, and we had to spend her first week in the NICU due to unexplained desaturation spells.

As the ambulance technicians wheeled her off that first morning after her birth, your daddy and I sobbed, feeling like we were losing her like we had lost you. Thankfully, the Lord hasn't asked us to deal with losing another child at this point, and Charlotte came home on the 14th of March. It was so strange to be home with our child and no foreseeable end to having her there with us.

Sophia, I LOVE being a mother. You made me a mother for the first time, and your sister has carried that on. However, you were and always will be the most perfect baby. Though you never should have been able to cry, you gave us a few of your cries. Though you should have never been able to open your eyes, you peeked out at us. Though you shouldn't have lived at all, you gave us 4.5 days to soak up your love.

Here I am, about a year and a half later, and your darling sister is much more demanding. I love being a mother all the same. No amount of heartache, hopelessly soiled diapers, warm vomit, breastfeeding discomfort, days without showering, hours without sleep, etc, will make me want to ever not be a mother - to either of my angels.

I have grown so much since the birth of your sister. I have learned to love the sweet sound of your sister sucking on her pacifier, what it means to hold your child close to your heart for hours as they sleep, the absolute terror of thinking your child is in danger, the feeling of helplessness when you determine you cannot adequately provide for your child, and many other things.

You taught me to love unconditionally, to endure even the worst of trials, that I am stronger than I ever knew, and I truly can overcome anything the Lord sees fit to allow in my path. You are my first child, and my only Sophia. Nothing can or ever will replace you, but I am so very grateful for the time you allowed us to spend with you.

I look forward to the day when I can get to know you even better, and I hope until that day you will keep a close, careful watch on your dear mother and sister. Don't tell Charlotte or Daddy, but I don't always know what is best. I pray to our Father in Heaven daily for safety and guidance to do what's right for our little family. For the most part, I think I have chosen well for us.

I love you, my precious girl. I think of you often.


(P.S. For Mother's Day, Daddy bought me a Willow Tree figurine with an angel holding a baby - you as the angel and Charlotte as the baby. I look at it every single day. I also got into contact with an amazing woman who made a "Sweet Pea" necklace with a dark blue "angel" pea representing you, and a light blue pea representing your sister. I absolutely love seeing things which represent my two beautiful girls together, and treasure both of these gifts.)

(P.P.S. Your sister was born with a BUNCH of hair at the nape of her neck too, and she even looks a bit like you. It's endearing.)