All In A Moment

Dear Sophia,

I'm realizing it just takes a moment - one moment - to change the course of your life. A person will have many such moments in their lifetime: deciding to go to college or not, meeting your spouse, the birth of a child, some joyous or terrible news, etc. Before meeting Daddy, I was in an unhappy relationship, feeling like I was supposed to be married soon but knowing my boyfriend would be a poor choice. Then Daddy came along and changed everything in a matter of days. We're currently waiting for your birth, following the reception of heartbreaking news. Up until that day, if you discount the uneasy feelings I'd been having, I was thinking we'd have a healthy baby girl around the beginning of October.

Then the news hit, and everything changed. No more making little baby hats. No more searching for cute, inexpensive furniture to use once you arrived. The crib came down. Our first onesie, a gift from Grandma, was quietly folded and stored out of sight. It's hard to believe our family is expecting an addition with how little preparation it seems we have done. Our preparation is different - it's doing everything we can to ensure we'll remember you in this life. It's a stuffed rabbit sitting on a shelf for future cuddles; a small purple backpack with papers collected during this time; a plaque given to us by  a friend. It's having a hospital bag filled to the brim with things like a footprint kit, a white, handmade blanket to wrap your tiny body in, and a small white rabbit puppet Daddy picked out for you.

This isn't the typical path, but it is ours to take.

Then there is the moment I go into labor. I don't know when it will come, but I will not be ready. There's no good way to prepare for the first little expression of pure love between a husband and wife to be taken swiftly back to heaven after you've had a blink's-worth of time with them. I can't say it's not fair. Somewhere there is a couple who cannot conceive no matter how hard they try; somewhere there's a child who has no access to the correct nutrition and clean water and will likely lose his life to disease, if not starvation; somewhere there's a spouse who has lost their better-half and has no idea what to do next.

I may not like it, but we are not alone in our suffering. Today in church, it was my turn to teach the Sunday school lesson. The topic was the Life of Christ. If anyone can say something is not fair, it's Him... but he would never even think of saying that. He is the only person who can completely relate to our sufferings, as He has already borne them all. It's a comfort to know He is there and know we are not alone, although I would be lying if I said that makes this completely easy to go through. There will be pain, both physical and mental in nature. His desire is to ease our sorrows, not make it so they had not happened.

In these moments, our lives have been changed. We have learned to love even a daughter we will never deeply know in this life, and how to better love each other through and after trials. We have gained hope for the future, and a renewed desire to be the kind of parents you deserve. You, my darling girl, have changed us for the better. This is all a part of the Lord's plan, and I am honored to be your mother on this earth, regardless of the difficulties it brings. Thank you. Daddy and I love you immensely. Although I know our meeting will be brief, I look forward to it with great anticipation. You are our angel and will be beautiful beyond belief in our eyes, no matter the outcome. Good night for now.

Sincerely,
Mommy.