Limbo

Dear Sophia,

I wasn't sure where to write what I'm about to say. I knew you wouldn't begrudge the space here, so here it will go.

I need to vent, and maybe cry. There's a part of life I despise, which I have currently been stuck in on different levels for a while now: I like to call it limbo. Limbo and I don't get along, mostly because limbo never gets anywhere or achieves anything. Limbo may have a beginning, but no foreseeable end, and I can't stand that.

You could say I'm currently in childbearing limbo. It started October 29, 2012, when Daddy and I got married. We wanted children right away, and immediately proceeded to try. After about three months of frustration, I finally got the answer I wanted: "Pregnant." This, however, was followed by an awful, sinking feeling before each appointment with the obstetrician, and soon, a terminal diagnosis. While I will never say I am not grateful to have had you, I was in a constant state of worry. Should we just let you go? Would you come early? Would you die in the womb? Would we have time for Daddy to bless you before you passed away? Every day, I waited and waited, so unsure of everything except that I loved you.

Now, here we are again at square one, except square two is nowhere to be seen. As it is, I'm six days late, and have no solid idea if I'm pregnant or not. Each day, I wonder things like "Will my period come today?" or "Will I finally get a confirmation of pregnancy?" or even this gem: "Am I going to have a miscarriage since my levels aren't even high enough to confirm pregnancy at six days past my expected period?"

Pregnancy test manufacturers would like you to believe you should spend money on their test because it can tell you 4/5/6 days sooner than other brands. They claim it's 99% accurate, and you'll have great results if you test the day after your missed period. Well, that day has come and gone five-fold, and I still have yet to receive any definitive answer. What's even better is I called the office of the doctor I'll be seeing for this next pregnancy and they basically said not to even bother trying to see them, that they don't usually even see patients until they've missed a complete cycle. In other words, just wait until you're completely messed up in the head and then we'll see you, kthxbye. Great.

So, there it is. Wait, wait, and wait some more. Maybe my period will come. Maybe it won't. Maybe I'll turn green, shrink a few feet, and join a horde of ravenous, flesh-eating leprechauns. At least I'd be doing something! Ugh. I just feel so frustrated. At least if I'd gotten my period, I could move on to trying to get the next cycle. As it is, I don't even know when we'll be able to try again if I'm not pregnant. I just don't do very well with unknowns. I like definite goals and destinations, and this whole "wait and see" thing just doesn't sit well with me.

I have not been praying for patience, but apparently I'm in need of some anyway. *insert giant, frustrated sigh*

That is all.

Sincerely,
Mommy.

(P.S. For those reading, prayers would be very much appreciated. If you couldn't tell, I'm going a little crazy with this whole waiting thing. Thank you.)

The Waiting Game

Dear Sophia,

I know I haven't written in a while. I haven't really known what to say. I wish I could talk to you; could know what you know now. I'm sure you're busy at work, and I'm sure you're Daddy and I's biggest supporter. We've been trying to call down one of your siblings, but I'm sure you know that already. I get so built up every month with hope, only to come crashing down with the simplest spot of red. Just yesterday I had tears pouring all down my face during sacrament meeting, then proceeded to blubber to one of my dear Snow Clan friends. Daddy is a huge help, and so sweet about everything, but sometimes a woman needs another woman to cry on.

If it helps, I'm not "out" this month yet. I'm sincerely hoping this is our month. The baby would be due a day or two before Thanksgiving, which is definitely ironic, plus it would be really great in general to have another baby on the way. As you know, Daddy and I want nothing more than to raise little ones together. We wanted you, but the Lord had other plans in store.

Until we know for sure whether we've gotten a grasp on one of your siblings or not, it's the waiting game for us (which, in case I haven't mentioned, is the most terrible game in the history of games.) I love you, my perfect little angel. Don't give up on your poor ol' Mommy and Daddy.

Sincerely,
Mommy.