We have an outside cat named Stella. She's the sweetest little thing. She used to belong to my aunt, but when they moved we wanted her, and she ended up with us. As a kitten, she was cared for at our house for a while, which is when she got her name. She was TINY and malnourished. I don't even know if we knew how old she was at that point. She had been found by a member of our family outside, and just needed some loving and a nice, big bowl of food and water. We kept her in a bathroom downstairs. She was so small that we didn't want to just let her walk around the house and possibly get lost, but I did enjoy letting her out while I was downstairs in the kitchen. She would follow me around and rub up on my legs, arms, wherever she could get to.
I don't remember when she ended up back with my aunt, but she did. They called her Mew, but she will always be my Stella. In any case, we have had her for a few months now. In that time, she got pregnant. This was recently, so after your diagnosis, and I got frustrated. It seemed like even my cat could have babies, but I would be having a daughter who wouldn't survive. That "fair" word briefly came to mind. Of course her babies and mine have nothing to do with each other, but thoughts of you are never far from my mind.
We usually see her whenever we go outside either on our porch or in our yard, or the yard/porch of our neighbors to the left. However, when going out one day, I realized I hadn't seen her in a day or two. I wanted to make sure she was okay, so I called her until she finally came. For quite a while, she had been getting bigger because of the pregnancy, but today she was smaller. Alarmed, I checked her backside, and there was blood. It was strange, because I knew I had never felt movement the many times I'd examined her stomach. It may be silly, but I asked "Where are your babies, Stella?" She just meowed, and looked like everything was perfectly fine.
It has been a couple days now, and we're sure she has miscarried. Her kittens are nowhere to be found, and her nipples show no obvious signs of use. Add that to the fact that neither Grandma (whom I talked to yesterday) nor I felt any movement up until this point, and it seems pretty obvious that there are no living kittens to care for.
I've never owned a cat who miscarried, and I've certainly never owned a cat who miscarried while I was pregnant with a baby with a fatal birth defect. I was sitting outside on the steps this morning petting her when all of that hit me. Tears came to my eyes over this cat mother who had lost her babies - whom I had previously envied. I felt bad for resenting her ability to have kittens while I was losing you, especially in light of recent events. At that moment, I started petting her with a new purpose. I wanted to comfort this animal which I cared about, and let her know she wasn't alone. I know what it's like to be losing my own "kitten."
Maybe it's silly to assume she is going through the same feelings I am. Maybe it's silly to think she even cares or understands what happened. But maybe, just maybe, she is exactly what I needed. I needed this sweet little animal which I care about, and who may or may not be affected by those experiences, to go through something similar. I don't wish any discomfort on her. As anyone who knows me is aware, I am definitely a cat person. I can't stand seeing them in pain or too hot, or in precarious situations, but the Lord's plan is perfect. He allows these little similarities to take place so we may find comfort in our companions, human or otherwise.
I hope Daddy and I will eventually have little ones of our own to take care of, but this is our current reality. Like I told a friend a little while ago, "Charles and I were talking last night and I asked him how many children he thought we were gonna have. He said 4 or 5, and my brain said 6 (for whatever reason) but I just can't picture that for us right now. My reality is taking the crib down at 17 weeks because I just can't look at it. It's fighting to be able to see my step-daughter whom I've never met because her mother 1) refused to return contact for so long and 2) is now refusing to allow Charles to protect himself from false witnesses." Someday things will be better. Someday we'll see you again, and also have your brothers and sisters with us. Someday we'll get to spend some time with Daddy's little princess, Onnamaria. Someday.
The Gospel is true. The Lord's plan is perfect, as are you. It will just be nice when we can see you again and enjoy the fruition of His perfect plan in eternity. I love you sweetie. I'm sure we'll see you soon.
Sincerely,
Mommy.
(P.S. Got a couple bits of good news yesterday!
1. The lady in the ward who said she was going to get a dress and cap for you came through. Grandma handed me a little white clothing box with pretty pink ribbon glued to the front. I wasn't sure how to take it at first, but I decided to take a look at it a little bit later. It's so beautiful, sweetie. I'm sure it will be too big for your perfectly tiny body, but I certainly appreciate the gesture. It's so hard to know how big you're going to be when you finally arrive. Either way, you will be perfect. No matter what size, no matter how long you do or don't live, you will be perfect.
2. We had another lady in the ward offer to be a back-up photographer if we can't get a hold of our other photographers or they don't make it in time. Additionally, I guess the nurses from our original obstetrics unit visit had called her to ask if she knew, because she is also LDS, if there was anything special they needed to do for us during delivery and afterward. I had already been told they'd called Alexandra's House to make sure we'd gotten in contact with them for help, so I thought it was sweet of them to go even further for us. Grandma then told me she'd offered to be a nurse that day. She actually works at the hospital in the obstetrics unit, usually, but she has been on leave so she can work on her relatively new work attire business. Even though she has been on leave, she offered to come in especially for us.
I felt so special. First we have a woman from the ward provide an adorable dress for our angel to wear, then we have another woman offer all the services she can. I love the Lord's organizational skills. He puts us in these groups where we have the ability to serve each other and love those around us. He is truly amazing.
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