Rough Night

Dear Sophia,

Mommy had a rough night, sweetheart. It's all feeling very real. For the last few days, I've been feeling strange. At one point, I had a very painful *something.* I laid down on the bed, and all-of-the-sudden my back and pelvis hurt like a really bad cramp. It lasted for about a minute, then was gone. Daddy and Grandma think it was a Braxton Hicks contraction. I've also been using the restroom a lot. It seems like just as I get comfortable, I need to go again. Blah. It's more difficult to get comfortable in bed, and while doing other things. I still feel you. It's not usually the large kicks like the one you gave Daddy, but I do feel you. It's hard to say if this is normal or not. I've never experienced anything like this before. I guess we'll see if anything significant is going on at my appointment in 5 days.

This weirdness is just making it all more real. I feel like things are coming sooner than I'm really ready for. Even before I knew you had Anencephaly, I was nervous about giving birth. Now, the experience includes handing you over before I even get to know what it's like to take care of you. I know this is the Lord's plan. I know it's because you're too perfect for this world. I also know trials are only trials because they test us - they make us take that step into the dark before we can see the light. No one said this would be easy. No one said I wouldn't break down every once in a while. It is significant that we weren't put on this world alone. We need each other, just like I needed Daddy to be willing to hold me close while I cried, keep asking what was wrong until I was willing to tell him, then give me a blessing of comfort.

I love you sweetie, and I'm happy for you. You must be such a sweet little girl to have this amazing opportunity. I look forward to getting to know you while we're in Heaven. Daddy and I are doing our best.

Sincerely,
Mommy.