Things I Never Expected

Dear Sophia,

There are so many good people out there, but I'm sure you already knew that. Being a parent is mentally and physically taxing - I know, and I haven't even had to rough it out through some of the toughest parts - but I'm so grateful for those who have experienced the loss of a child or who are just kind-hearted and are there to support people like us.

Our journey began with a woman who had also lost her first daughter and kept a record for her remembrance. She didn't find out until she was about 8 months along (I think,) but that's still plenty of time to reflect on what is about to take place. I was given the link to her blog, along with her email address, by her sister. I had seen the photos of them at the grave yard; I had known for quite a while that someone in her family had lost a child. But I didn't think it was my place to pry - and it wasn't. Not then.

As soon as we found out about your condition, I wanted some kind of consolation. I was in desperate need to know that I wasn't the only mother out there upset about the fact that I would go through an entire pregnancy and leave the hospital empty-handed, that I wasn't alone in feeling the uncertainty this kind of diagnosis brings to every day while you're here. So, I read her blog. The whole thing. To my surprise, at one point or another, she mentioned everything I was thinking about and topics I hadn't even began to consider (such as whether I wanted to stay in the delivery unit while I was recovering or be moved to a place where I wouldn't be around perfectly healthy newborn babies to remind me of my loss.) She was a beacon of faith, hope, and peace, and her words brought many tears to my eyes.

Ultimately, I did send her a message, and she had more peace and comfort to offer. I will never forget the kindness she showed towards me. We're not close, but her words brought much-needed solace in a time of grieving.

In her second and last message to me (both of her messages had been extremely long - just what I needed), she mentioned something about "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" and how pictures were very important. I hadn't understood at the time what she meant. The two ideas didn't seem to go together. She is LDS, so it seemed strange that she would mention a line from a Catholic prayer, but I shrugged it off. I figured she'd just gotten a little mixed up. (You've gotta give me some credit - this was within the week after we found out about everything. I may not have been thinking too clearly.) In either case, that was the extent of my contact with her, but I am thankful for every bit of it.


On to the next influence: My dear friend, Lesley Black, and other good friends who have reached out. Lesley has always been there for me, ever since we met at school. We were in the same orientation and FHE groups during our first semester and lived two doors down from each other. We used to have weekly CSI nights, and when I was stressed I would often find her for refuge or companionship. This has not changed since the last time we saw each other over a year ago.


She doesn't have a Facebook account. We keep in touch through text and the rare email (which I am very bad at replying to - that might explain why there have been so few. Ha.) and she has been known to send me little care packages at exactly the right time. The first was at my second (and last) semester at college. Finals were quickly approaching and I was stressed, as can be expected. One day out of the blue, I received a small box with letter, mug and the dry ingredients for a mug-sized chocolate cake. It was heavenly - not because of the cake, necessarily, (although who wouldn't want spontaneous mug cake?) but because a friend cared enough for me to do such a simple but profound thing at a stressful time in my life.


The second was something I mentioned briefly in my Animals in Heaven post. Right after we found out the big news, she jumped into action and sent me a whole puzzle box full of chocolate, a letter, and a magazine she'd been holding on to for me for months. (The magazine had come for me after I left Rexburg the first time and, being the awesome friend she is, she grabbed it and kept it for me until she could send it with something else. Isn't that thoughtful?) Although emotional eating is not recommended, I didn't care. It was one of the sweetest and most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me.


Lesley is a great friend, whom I can only hope to emulate, but I have also been blessed with many other friends and even a few kind acquaintances. I had one friend solicit our address from Daddy, and she sent me a very thoughtful handwritten letter which I've included, along with Lesley's letter, in your memory bag. (It's officially a little purple backpack with a normal large pocket and a front pouch. The large pocket holds a half-inch binder for including the posts from this blog and other letters to you, as well as any large papers I receive which are in any way related. The front pouch holds the letters from Lesley and Alisha, as well as appointment cards, ultrasound pictures, and hospital bracelets.) Other friends have reached out to give their condolences and/or offer their own hope and understanding of your mission. I had one lady offer to be a doula for me and, if Charles wasn't adamant about wanting only us in the delivery room, I might have accepted.

Others, like the hospital nurses in the First Delivery Unit Visit, and my friend Erica have done all they could to make sure I'm comfortable or have what I need to be prepared for your coming. I heard about a week ago that there is a family in the ward who is going to do all they can to make sure we have a little white dress and cap for you when you are born. Overall, I have been so touched by the outpouring of charity and support towards us. It wasn't until this all started that I really felt like we belonged in the ward. Now, I can honestly say I am quite fond of a great many people there.


Remember how the first lady had mentioned "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep?" Well, the connection was made when, on a couple different blogs I read, mothers mentioned how their NILMDTS photographers were doing this or that. Although I was hesitant at first, I did finally ask about getting someone to take pictures for us. Our primary photographer has been wonderful. She has done all she can to make sure we are prepared and has assured me that only a wedding might interfere with her attendance, at which point she has made certain that there are multiple alternatives for us to call. We have been so blessed by her willingness to donate her time and efforts on our behalf.


A place called Alexandria's House is where the care package from the First Delivery Unit Visit post came from. The people there do all they can to "fill in the gaps," as they put it. They know what it's like to have lost a child, know where they wish someone had helped them, and are making an effort to fill in those gaps for other grieving families. The care package touched my heart so deeply. Included in it was a pamphlet for an associated group in our area who provides an opportunity for siblings who are losing a brother or sister to make a stuffed animal in their honor. Since we don't have any other children together and Onna's mother isn't responding to our requests to see her, I initially put it out of my mind... but it kept nagging at me.

So I went out on a limb and asked if they would make an exception. Now, I'm sure they don't want to do this in all cases, but I told them the situation and asked if they might consider us for their program. After a couple days of waiting, they said yes! They reiterated that the program is generally for children, but added that they would be honored to include us. I was so happy! I'm so excited to be able to make a little something to cuddle with while I'm missing my little angel.

I never expected such a response. I generally go about my life thinking the only people who care much to know about how I'm doing are my husband, mother, and close friends. But there are so many people who have reached out - so many who are dedicated to assisting in this time which at first seemed almost entirely hopeless. I believe this was part of your mission - to bring us together with these people who would be indispensable now and valuable friends in the future. Thank you for that, sweetie. You have helped my testimony of the Gospel of Christ grow so much. I am grateful to be your mother.

Sincerely,
Mommy.