Stories to Tell

Dear Sophia,

I guess birth defects are just one of those things you don't think about in the course of your normal life - until you encounter one either through your own experiences or through the experiences of those close to you. I remember during high school I had been around a family which I was aware had experienced a child's early death. I recall having seen photos of them in the graveyard, but I didn't know much more than that... until you came along. Until you came along, I never really had any "real-life" situation to talk about. I guess you could even say I didn't feel like I belonged with the "women." But you, Sophia - you have made me a woman. Of course I was a "woman" before you came along. I was barely 20 when I married Daddy, and I'm still only 20, but Daddy married a woman. Before you came along, I didn't feel like I belonged in my Relief Society at church. I was just a young woman in a room with many older, more experienced women who know what it's like to be mothers, to live through many decades of a lifetime. I couldn't relate. But now, sweetie, I'm starting to know what it's like. By no means am I anywhere close to their levels of experience, but at least I feel like I belong.

I've also realized that everyone has a story to tell. It seems like those who care enough to stop and talk to me about you and how I'm doing went through something traumatic or knew someone who went through something traumatic. A few weeks ago, this couple I'd never spoken with ended up letting me spill my guts to them for a good 40 minutes. It felt so good and I feel a closeness to them now. Then a couple other women have let me in on their own experiences. One of them went through something I would never have considered: her daughter survived (and is now a teenager) but had to spend a considerable amount of time in the hospital while they worked out how they were going to keep her insides inside of her. She'd been born without skin covering her abdomen. Scary!

I guess it's better not to know about all of these possibilities. The only reason I know anything about Anencephaly is because of you. I can't imagine having all the horrible things which can happen to little babies floating around in my mind. I know I have only been exposed to a tiny fraction of what could and does happen. It would be like reading a medical dictionary and thinking there was always something wrong with you. I would go crazy!

A woman I've recently become acquainted with found out she is pregnant today. Her previous baby, who is also named Sophia Grace, had Anencephaly too and another related condition called Iniencephaly. It has been interesting reading her thoughts before and after having her Sophia and even now as she prepares to go through another pregnancy. I know I will be just as nervous as she is. Sophia, you know the love we have for you. You will always be the first child in our little family. It will just be nice if and when we get to care for one of your siblings, tell them all about you, and teach them that you are (or will be, at that point - right now, you're kicking me) in Heaven with our Heavenly Father and our Elder Brother, Jesus Christ. What a sweet conversation that will be!

Like I said, sweetie, everyone has a story. You are and will continue to be mine (and Daddy's, of course - that's part of what makes you special.) You are my first child, my first daughter, the first spirit the Lord has entrusted me with carrying. You are also perfect enough to be qualified to return to be with the Lord almost before your journey has begun. I love you honey. It's comforting to know that you already knew of my love before you came here. Believe me, it will only grow and grow. Thank you for coming to us, even if we will have to wait to get to know you. You have truly been a blessing.

Sincerely,
Mommy.